The hidden agenda: Campus squirrels are taking over [APRIL FOOLS EDITION]

Editor’s Note: This “article” is from our 2020 April Fool’s Day edition of Pacer Times. It is satirical and is not meant to be taken as real news.

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If you haven’t meandered the stone walkways gently stretching across campus, consider yourself lucky.

No, not because of the coronavirus, and not because of the pollen erupting from blooming flowers.

The squirrels on campus are to be feared.

Without the many feet of caffeine-filled, yet still brain fogged students haphazardly walking the paths, the squirrels are able to descend the many pine trees and scamper freely across the once forbidden paths.

Campus squirrels are already a different breed than “normal” squirrels. Influenced by the “no-care” attitudes college students practically sweat out, they already are a little bit bolder.

They stare you right in the eyes, a pair of beady eyes into hopeless ones, and challenge you. This is no simple staring contest, no, it is an exercise of dominance.

Think: who looks away first? You or the squirrel? It’s always you.

Our no-care-in-the-world attitude is our downfall, and campus squirrels had no issues manipulating our complacence.

Now, with campuses empty, they have no one to challenge. They will grow antsy, hungering for more dominance. This will bring them down from the trees, into the bushes and soon into the buildings.

They have their ways of getting in, believe me.

When we return, it will no longer be our campus. They will have gnawed away at the horse statues and instead replaced the gentle curves of the horses’ flanks with rough edges and clawed feet. They will chisel away at the muzzle and transform it into a soulless face, one that mirrors their own.

Pacers, I’m warning you. The campus is no longer ours. The squirrels and their nefarious deeds no longer end at staring contests and rude chittering, it has grown to consume all college campuses across the nation.